Can to relate to my pain?

Ever felt so much weight on your shoulders that made you wanna stop ... just stop? Not think or take a deep breath or calm yourself but just stop. Most of us are hollow inside, lowly clueless dumb founded creatures just hanging on. Getting consumed by this ever growing monstrous Blackhole of misery. You wake up in the morning thinking everything's fine and one day you realise you failed and you're past the point of return to the ways things were before. It all happens in a snap. I wish things were better; I was different, people were different.

Some days are good, some are better but most of the rest are just sheer pain. This has become my state of being. Not fond of it to be quite honest. This sense of detachment from social construct makes me feel... what's the word for it? Uneasy?. Have you ever felt this way? If yes, what did you do? We all have pain... we carry it the whole day in our heart, go home with it & wake up next morning with it. It's like a storm where the sky grows darker and darker with every passing moment. They say, the thing that doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I hardly find it true as it doesn't talk about the troubles that are formless, ones that you can't pinpoint but they're there, mounting upon day by day, that you just know they're there. It's like finding a needle in a haystack. 

I wonder, what it would have been like if I hadn't some specific people in my life. Some bring happy memories, some sad, some just tear you apart but you still stick to them. Like holding a lit candle in your hand long enough to get your hand burned. Humans have been social animals for millions of years, the definition has quite changed in 21st century. Those who are broken like me know how tough it is to open up even after years of relationships. Two coming together finding each others' company unbearable later on is devastating. 

So what do you do? Run up on a hill let it out as loud as you can? Write it down in your journal or burn down anything that makes you feel stick to your stomach. But as much as we would love all our problems to go away by these, they just don't. Some do the trick not to our surprise temporarily. We feel good for like an hour or a day or a week and yet back to misery once again. 

I wish I hadn't met a lot a people whom I met in my life. Lot of different characters with one thing in common, they all said I didn't care for anything or anyone other than me. I wish they were right... But now worries; I see my inevitable future now. Eventually I will get there, soulless, devoid of emotions. Nothing would be able to hurt me anymore. If only I was cold and manipulative as they thought I was, life would have been a lot easier.

But I realized something, instead of hiding away in the shadows afraid of light, afraid that people will break you again, instead of running away from the memories that hurt the most, try to cling on to them more., as when you try to forget them you take away good ones too. I know It hurts and trust me It's going to hurt but don't turn a blind eye to them saying you don't care as I did, because deep inside we know we do care and that it's going to crush us. So try to embrace both the good & bad, forget and forgive.